SPLAT! And The Story Begins
by Elraralia
Summary: [COMPLETED] Much as you can gather from the title. Sméagol falls into Mount Doom... and SPLAT ends up in Earth.
1. And Who The Heck Are You?

NOTE: Okay okay I know I said that I would stop writing LotR fanfic after Yours Forever, but I was just watching TTT extended and this idea hit me like a car hits a person when the person steps out onto the main road when traffic is going full force. (That is, very hard.) Yeah. It was a very crappy and stupid idea, very Mary-Sue-ish, but I figured that if I could just use the correct characters and type of language and stuff, I could at least make it funny, and redeem it a little bit. But, just in case, I would like to state:  
THIS IS NOT SUITABLE FOR TOLKIEN PURISTS. IF YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLY STRICT TOLKIEN PURIST, PLEASE BACK AWAY REAL SLOW LIKE. This story will just have your blood pressure skyrocketing up to the moon.

DISCLAIMER: Disclaimers get quite boring to write so I will just write one and it will apply to the whole fic, okay? So here goes…  
THINGS THAT DO NOT BELONG TO ME: Lord of the Rings, and any characters, places or events mentioned therein.  
THINGS THAT DO BELONG TO ME: Any character in this story that isn't from LotR, my computer that I am typing this on and the sweet that I am currently about to put in my mouth.

*&* A LITTLE EXPLANATION (a.k.a. the sorry excuse of a prologue) *&*

So, Gollum gets the Ring and falls into Mount Doom in his joyful capering. Yay for Frodo and his buddies. Everyone goes home and celebrates, and readers of the Lord of the Rings trilogy cheer. Everyone goes off and is happy. But what about poor little Gollum? What everyone didn't realise was, he dropped the Ring accidentally when he was falling into Mount Doom, so the Ring was destroyed first, and Gollum falls… and falls… and falls a little bit more… and a little bit more… (he's a little bored by now) and then SPLAT!

And this is where the story begins.

*&*

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

The scream echoed throughout the house, so sharp and piercing that the dog next door never fully recovered its hearing abilities. Kathy stared, wide-eyed (as you are wont to do when you stare), at the mangy grey creature on the ground in front of her. What the heck was something like _that_ doing in her room?

"What are you? Who are you? What are you doing here?" she finally gasped.

The creature looked up at her, took one look and began moaning. "Where are we? We are lost, precious, yes lost! And there is a monster, a monster and it will hurt us, yes precious it will!"

"What do you _mean_, a monster? You're the monster! You…" Kathy was just beginning to get all worked up and insulted when she realised that she had put one of those mud masks. Ah. Yes. She quickly began to try peeling it off, and the creature began to stare at her, totally mortified that the stranger was peeling her face off.

"What is it doing? Will it hurt us?"

"_I_ am not going to hurt you. Not yet, anyway. I want to know who you are, and where you come from. And I want you to go back there _right now_!" Kathy ordered when she had finally peeled off the remnants of the mask.

Apparently that wasn't the best thing to say because the creature just started up its shrieking again. "They asks us to go back! No, no we cannot go back, precious! There are thousands, thousands of Orcses yes there are precious! They will catch us and hurt us!" It began to snarl. "Cruel hobbitses tricksed us! Filthy, lying thieves! No! No! Master saves us!"

Kathy's jaw dropped, and she sank onto her bed. "This is impossible," she whispered. It couldn't be… "Gollum?" The creature looked up at her angrily. No, no, Gollum wasn't good. It would be much safer to talk with the cuter, innocent-er version. "Sméagol?"

"How does it know our name?" Sméagol stopped the racket for a moment, in a state of shock.

Good. At least now it (no, he) was quiet. And now was the hard part: reasoning with the schizo. Kathy decided to go slowly, very slowly. "Sméagol, my name is Kathy, and I'm not going to hurt you. You are not in Middle Earth anymore. You're just in Earth, now. Plain Earth. Not in the middle at all."

"Not in Middle Earth?" Sméagol was completely stupefied* now.

"Yes, you aren't in Middle Earth anymore. Can you remember what last happened before you found yourself here?" Kathy was still going veeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrry slowly. Any sudden yelling or movement might set Sméagol off on a schizophrenic frenzy again.

Evidently that theory wasn't 100% accurate, because Sméagol went off on a schizophrenic frenzy anyway. "Cruel, cruel hobbitses! They do not care that we die! They leave us falling, falling into the Mountain! And they tricksed us! Tricksed us!" He began to alternate between snarling death messages and curses to the hobbits and sobbing pathetically to himself.

"Ah. So the Ring has been destroyed…" Kathy said softly.

Sméagol heard that, and crawled up to her. "The precious is lost… but we can finds it. Yes we will finds it."

"NO!" Kathy said sharply, standing up. "No, you are _not_ going to leave this house. Firstly, they catch you and put you in a pound. And secondly, they'd arrest _me_ for having exotic pets."

Sméagol wailed. "But we must finds it! Finds the precious, we must, we must!" And off went the fireworks, the waterworks, and all sorts of other chaotic type of "works".

Kathy thought for a moment. She had to shut this guy up, and keep him in the house. And she supposed that gave even cause to tell a _little_ lie. "I'll find the Ring for you," she said loudly, to make sure he heard her over the racket. He did, and shut up. Good. "But you have to stay here. And now leave this house." She moved closer to him, putting on her fiercest face. "If you leave this house, I will find you, and slit your throat," she threatened. Obviously she wouldn't be able to do it, but oh well, Sméagol didn't know that. At least, she hoped he didn't. "So you'd best stay here."

Sméagol nodded, totally stunned out of his wits. Kathy nodded in satisfaction, and went to change before leaving the house.

*&*

NOTE: Well, here we are at the end of the first chapter! What do you think?

* _stupefied_: Ain't it a lovely word? I love it. It sounds so stupid and silly. Like me.


	2. And Now You Meet Natalie

NOTE: 2nd chapter! This might go a little slower than my Yours Forever fic because I have to summon up my funny genes. And what I have observed from real life is that when I _try_ to be funny, I end up just being retarded and not so very funny, but when I'm trying to say something _serious_, my friends all think it's hilarious. Pretty insulting, sometimes. But oh well. So yes for this story it _has_ to be funny so here we go.

TO ALL WHO REVIEWED: Thanks! Yay some people think I'm funny. =0)

TO VICKI: Hey, you better read this because you were the one who asked for more! Hahahaha… didn't know I was so obedient, did you?

AND OH YEAH BY THE WAY: I watched RotK! It's soooooooo good I loved it loved it loved it. Peter Jackson is a genius! Yahoo!

*&*

Kathy got into her car, and made a beeline to her best friend's house. Natalie was a complete Lord of the Rings junkie, much more obsessed than Kathy, and so she was hoping that Nat would have a better idea as to what to do. She groaned. God, she _really_ needed coffee. Thinking of the little wretch locked in her house, she groaned again. Why Gollum/Sméagol, of all the Lord-of-the-Ringees*? Why couldn't it have been Legolas? That would be lovely, wouldn't it? Yeah. Then she could marry him and live with him forever and have lots of kids and it would be perfect, but _nooooo_ she just couldn't have the goodies, could she? She just had to have the looniest guy in the whole trilogy. Just her luck.

A lot of hammering was required before Nat would open the door. The best friend stood in her pyjamas, still rubbing the sleep out of her eyes (and trying to get the hangover out of her head). "What is it, Kathy? It's bloody seven-thirty in the morning. God, my head," she grumbled.

"Yes it is bloody seven-thirty, and _there is a Lord-of-the-Ringee_ (A/N: This is what Kathy calls a LotR character.)_ in my house_! Two, actually, depending on how you look at it."

Nat snorted. "Yeah, right, Kath. It's not the 1st of April yet, you know. And I wasn't born yesterday, you know."

"Well it was your birthday yesterday, so technically you _were_ kind of born yesterday," Kathy couldn't help pointing out. "And I _told_ you not to drink that much. Anyway. It's an emergency, and you had better come over to my place. You definitely will want to see this."

*&*

The house was incredibly quiet when the two girls entered. Nat stifled a yawn, hoping that Kath wasn't trying to play a prank on her or anything. Her head throbbed and she really started to regret drinking so much. Kath had been right, as usual. Why did she never listen to Kathy? She should have. Kathy always had the best advice in the end. And as usual, she had ignored her friend last night. And now she was paying for it.

All this thinking was beginning to make her depressed, and she had to fight the urge to sit down and drown her sorrows in more alcohol.

"Wait here," Kathy said. "I'll go and check around the house, find the guy."

Nat nodded, too preoccupied with her awful hangover to care about where her friend went. Oh yes this was a biggie hangover. A big one. Oh, oh yes it was. Ooooh. Not. Good.

She sat down on the floor, leaning against the door, waiting for Kathy to come back from wherever she went. But that was a very bad idea, because she began to drift off to sleep, which made the scream that came a shock _and_ a pain (for her throbbing head), instead of just a pain (if she had just stood there).

"AHHHHHHH!!! MY FISH TANK!"

*&*

Kathy stared dismally at her fish tank, once so full of nice, small colourful fishes. Now it was painfully bare, with even the fake corals wrenched out. Half the water was spilled on the floor and on the couch. Oh yes the living room was a real mess. But her fish! Not a single one left. She had to bite her tongue to keep from cursing.

Nat entered the living room. "What happened here?" she asked, holding her head. "Oh I need aspirin."

"Sméagol found himself a sushi bar," Kathy said glumly. "And I guess you better take that aspirin. I need all your wits to help me here. Just go and take it from my bathroom."

Nat nodded (or tried to, anyway, she wasn't exactly comfy with moving her head to much yet), and went clomping up to the bathroom to find the much-needed aspirin. Kathy sighed and went to get her mop. What a pity over her lovely fish. She had loved them, loved them, given them as much TLC as you could give to tiny 5 cm long fishes. "Poor little fishies…"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

That scream was not as loud as the first scream, but it was enough to render the neighbour's dog deaf for the rest of its miserable life.

"What now?" Kathy groaned and began to troop up the stairs to the bathroom where her friend was gaping in horror at Sméagol, who was squatting/sitting/whatever on the toilet bowl, gaping back in horror at her friend.

"Oh. My. God. What is he doing here?" Nat had totally forgotten about the aspirin now, she had been totally shaken awake by the shock of seeing Sméagol. (A/N: I actually don't know about being shocked out of a hangover, but then none of you have ever been shocked out from a hangover by seeing a Middle Earth creature, have you? So no one has the right to contradict me, muahahaha…)

"AAAAHHH!!! Another ones! Another ones, precious!" Sméagol (or Gollum?) wailed. Then he shook himself and came running up to Kathy. "Have you founds it? Have you founds the precious? Give its to us!" He opened his already big eyes ever wider, which scared Kathy no end.

"No, I haven't found the Ring yet. And I want to know why you _ate all my fish_!" Kathy's tone might have been harder than she had meant it to be (which was already pretty hard), but it was because she wanted to make sure that Sméagol did not know that he was scaring her witless.

She must have been scaring Sméagol too, because a pathetic look came over his face (where else can a look come over?), and he backed away from her. Big, fat tears came to his eyes, and he began to cry like a little baby. Actually, he alternated between crying (which Kathy supposed was the Sméagol side) and complaining (Gollum, no doubt, the spoilt brat). "We are famished, yes yes we are! And there were fishes, so juicy sweet! But small! Such small fishes! We are hungry, precious, we are starving!"

"Shucks. Couldn't he at least have had some food before he came crashing down into Earth?" Kathy was beginning to feel like backing into a corner and crying as well.

"Come on, Kath. You know he couldn't. The guy was in _Mordor_, for goodness sake! Give him a break, girl!" Nat said, totally cured of her hangover now, and extremely excited over meeting a Lord of the Ringee.

The next thing she knew, Nat was standing outside in Kathy's backyard, holding Sméagol's hand, and both were pounding on the locked door.

*&*

NOTE: What did you think of this chapter? I didn't think it was that funny. Maybe I shouldn't try to be funny. Hmmm… 


	3. And Now There's Fish

NOTE: Sorry I didn't post for such a long time I was a little stuck. Okay, a lot stuck. Well here is the 3rd chapter.

TO VICKS: He's sitting on the toilet bowl because the guy like to squat on rocks, eh? (At least I see him doing that a lot.) But there ain't any rocks in the house so I guess the toilet bowl's the most rock-like thingy. Haha. Plus he probably wants to know what that lovely round pressy thing is (the flush).

*&*

Nat leaned against the wall while Sméagol pounded on the door, still refusing to give up. "Sméagol, come over here and sit down. She won't open the door until she wants to," she said, not even bothering to look at the creature desperately hammering on the door.

By some miracle, Sméagol actually listened to her. He went over and plopped down next to her. "Why does she hates Sméagol, poor poor Sméagol?"

Nat looked at Sméagol. He seemed genuinely upset, holding his head in his hands and shaking his head at the same time (A/N: Which isn't that very easy a thing to do properly, try it!). She really did pity him in some small way. After all, he _was_ tortured and treated quite badly in Middle Earth. And it wasn't all his fault that he was like this; it was because of the Ring. "She doesn't hate you," she told him gently. "It's just a big shock for her to find you in Middle Earth. And you shouldn't have eaten her fish."

"Sméagol was famished, yes precious," Sméagol said dejectedly. (A/N: Aw he's just so cute how could anyone hate him?)

Nat couldn't help but smile. "Yes I know. Maybe later we could go and get some fishes for you to eat. But you have to make do with already dead (but quite fresh) fishes because I'm not planning on going to an aquarium and buying them empty."

Sméagol looked up at Nat and smiled. At least, that's what she thought he did, she didn't really know. "Nice girl, yes precious, very nice indeed. She caresss, yes she does."

*&*

Kathy opened the door to her best friend and her best friend's new best friend(s) an hour and a half later. She had finally mopped up the water in the living room and dried the couch the best she could. And she had finally decided to be a tad nicer to Sméagol than she had been. Nat had been right; he'd been through hard times. Last, but definitely not least, though, she had decided to spend every waking moment trying to find out how to get Sméagol back to Middle Earth.

*&*

Nat and Sméagol stared at Kathy. Her forehead glistened with sweat (no doubt from the huge effort of mopping and drying), but she had put on a somehow friendly (albeit very forced) smile. "Right. So, what are we going to need to do now?" she said, trying to sound very cheerful.

Nat nodded briskly. Kath had her Smiley Face on, and it was best to take advantage of this. "We need to do lots of things. First, we need to get food for Sméagol. Second, we should figure out where he can stay. He needs a place to sleep and stuff. Third, we have to find out where he dropped to Earth from. It should be somewhere in your house."

Kath nodded. That made sense. And food… she could do that, how hard could that be?

*&*

Very hard, she found out a little while later. Or rather, it was easy to buy the fresh fish from the market, but bloody hard to get the stink out of her car. Oh her precious car… now it would stink of fish forever. Stupid Gollum/Sméagol.

Sméagol was rather pleased though. "Not alive, no, but still tassssty," he remarked, squatting on a chair at the dining table (there was no way they could get him to sit down properly).

Kath and Nat sat side by side, opposite the poor wretch. Both were looking intently at the creature (who was oblivious to all else other than the fish). "What should we do now?" Kath asked, not bothering to whisper or try to hide whatever she was saying, because Sméagol was now singing a happy little song to himself about the juicy sweetness of fish.

"Let him finish his fish commercial and then find him some sleeping arrangements or something. Maybe he could sleep on the couch. We could take out some of your extra blankets and stuff, in case he gets cold…" Nat shrugged. "I don't know, I'm making this up as we go along." (A/N: As I am/as is I/as am I… how do you phrase that anyway?)

"The way you go on, you seem to be thinking that he's going to stay for a long time." Kath glanced sharply at her friend. Sméagol would be all right for maybe a day or two, but she had no intention of co-habiting with a grey schizo who was only wearing something that closely resembled George of the Jungle's butt-flap. And she also had no intention of buying loads upon loads of raw fish. _Plus_ her boyfriend Patrick was coming to visit next week. What would he think if he saw her living with a weird little guy who talked funny when she wouldn't even live with him?

Nat shrugged once more. "Well, we have no idea how he got here, and how to get him back. So we don't know how long it'd be before we figure out something. Be prepared to let him stay for a very long time." Seeing the disgust on her friend's face, she added in a more cheerful voice. "Come on, it can't be that bad! Look at him! (Sméagol was still singing his song, which was starting to sound like it would be a very suitable jingle for a fish mart.) He's pretty cute! It can't be _that_ bad, can it?"

*&*

NOTE: All right I have finally finished the 3rd chapter. It's taken me about 3 days to write this. Bleh. And I don't think it's funny. Oh dear… 


	4. And Enter The Boyfriend

NOTE: 4th Chapter! Gee I wonder how long I will take to write this chapter. Not too long, I hope.

*&*

A week later, it was really very bad. Kathy sat on the couch, totally exhausted. Between trips to the fish mart to buy fish for Sméagol's seemingly bottomless pit of a stomach, mopping up the bathroom after he tried to flush two whole rolls of toilet paper (and therefore jamming the whole thing, which caused a mini-flood), shelving her books all over again (Sméagol had drank a whole 2-litre bottle of Coke, which had very bad consequences) and trying to keep Sméagol away from her computer, she still had to get ready the extra room for Patrick. Ah… Patrick. She had been so excited with the thought of him coming, and now she wished that he would never come. He would just _freak_ if he saw Sméagol. And all hell would just break loose, because Gollum would probably freak to see him.

One whole week she had cooped herself at home. It was all very well that she was out of a job, because she couldn't even imagine leaving Sméagol alone in her house for more than 1 hour. If she did, she would probably just come home to a pile of ashes (Sméagol having had discovered the wonders of a stove the day before). Oh yes this was bad indeed.

And now Patrick was going to be here. In about two hours. Great. Just great. Everything was going to snowball from the moment he set eyes on Sméagol, she just knew it. If she thought that it was chaos now, it would be Armageddon later when Patrick arrived.

Sméagol came scampering down the stairs and crouched in front of Kathy. "Hey, Sméagol, what is it?" she asked, forcing herself to smile. Something that she and Nat had discovered: the nicer they were to Sméagol, the nicer he was to them, and the less chance of having Gollum appear in his twisted little brain. And it was very important that Gollum popped up as rarely as it was possible. Who knew who Gollum could do, thinking that the Ring was somewhere here. Nat told Sméagol everyday that she was searching for the Ring, and sometimes she brought some of her own rings over to ask Sméagol if it was what he had lost, just to show him that there was really some effort put into it. Every time Sméagol volunteered to go and search for it himself, Kathy would launch into a long speech about how people would catch him and hurt him and cut him up. That speech never failed. Not yet, anyway. When Sméagol looked doubtful, Kathy would tactfully add something about Elves wanting to catch him, and _that_ was a sure-win plan, because Sméagol really did hate Elves.

"What are you doing, precious? What are you doing?" he asked, peering up at her curiously.

"I'm resting. Are you hungry again or something?" Kathy asked, suppressing a sigh. She really hoped that he wasn't hungry. From what she read, he seemed to be able to go for days with no food (trekking through Mordor was really a sorry state to be in), but here he ate a lot. And by that she meant _a lot_. It seemed like he ate enough to compensate for all the torture and starvation he had ever gone through. It seemed to make him happy, though, and that prevent Gollum from paying any unwanted visits, so Kathy would have to just feed him, and endure all his singing. She could already sing along with him, when he sang his song about fishes. It was a cute song, actually… but she would never tell him that. Never encourage him.

Sméagol shook his head. "No, we are not hungry, no precioussss we aren't." He sat down at Kathy's feet, and stared out into space for a little while.

Well, now would be a good time to broach the subject. "You know, Sméagol…" Kathy began, choosing her words carefully. "I have a… friend… coming soon… very soon. His name is Patrick."

"Friend? Is he nice? Isss he… nasssty?" Sméagol looked a little worried and for a moment, Kathy almost wanted to hug him. Not quite, though.

"He's nice, he's very nice. I think… you'll like him." _I pray you'll like him_, Kathy thought to herself.

*&*

A/N: Okay that wasn't funny in the least, was it? Oh dear. I'll have to step up on the funny gas for the next part of the chapter. It's hard to force yourself to be funny though.

*&*

Patrick sat in the taxi, resting his head against the window. Mmmm… yes, soon he would see Kathy. His nice, beautiful, lovely Kathy. He still didn't know why she wouldn't want to move in with him, but oh well. He loved her anyway. Nice Kathy. Kathy. Nice. Nice. Kathy.

He had spent ages saving up his leave days for this trip, and he was intending to make it a nice, relaxing, fun one. He hadn't seen Kathy for quite a long time, and it was always good to see her again. Knowing her, she'd have some surprise in store for him, something he would never ever expect. (A/N: He has no idea… lol.) Maybe this time she would agree to move in with him.

He closed his eyes, daydreaming about the romantic dates, the funny dinners, and of course meeting Kath's crazy friend Natalie. Yes… it was going to be a good holiday for him.

He began to get really excited as Kathy's house (or rather, the house she inherited from her parents) pulled into view. He paid the driver and got his suitcase out of the trunk. Then he made his way up her front porch and took a deep breath before pressing the doorbell. He expected to hear Kathy yell, "COMING!" and then rush to open the door and give him a huge kiss, but that wasn't what he heard. What he heard was, "OH MY GOD!" and then had to wait for 5 minutes before Kathy opened the door.

She was _definitely_ not the Kathy I had imagined. Her hair was in an urgent need of a combing, and she looked tired and flustered. Nevertheless, she gave me a bright smile and a kiss on the cheek. "It's so good to see you," she said, albeit a little half-heartedly. Patrick was baffled. This wasn't the welcome that he was used to! What was wrong? He would definitely have to ask her. Yup. Definitely. And so…

"What's wrong?" he asked. (A/N: D-oh. You can't say, "what's wrong?" can you? It's one of those things that you can only _ask_. 'Cos it ends with a '?'. There. English lesson over.)

Kathy sighed. "I guess you better come in. It's something you have to see for yourself to believe."

*&*

An hour later, Patrick collapsed on the couch. There was a weird guy in his girlfriend's house. And she jumped whenever he said toad. Well, not that he said _toad_… it was an expression. Yes. Yes it was. He groaned. He was beginning to think like the weird guy talked. This was great. Just great. His dreams of a lovely relaxing holiday with his girlfriend had just been shattered to pieces. No, pulverised. No, shattered to pieces, and then the pieces were pulverised to little fragments, and then the weird guy would eat all the fragments. Yes, that was more like it. It had been a total waste of his money, then. He was going to have to spend the rest of the holiday helping his girlfriend keep a weirdo happy.

A Lord of the Rings character, she had said. Well, he had never read The Lord of the Rings, and seeing this weird guy, he certainly didn't feel very inspired to. What kind of weird freak wrote about such a strange creature? What _was_ he anyway? He had asked Kathy, and then wished that he hadn't, because she had gone on and on about some hob-thing and then a Ring and then torture and some weird long explanation that he didn't understand a single word of. 

He groaned again. It was _definitely_ going to be a bad bad holiday.

*&*

Here's Chapter 4 at long last! So so so sorry about the delay. Patrick is a bit of a &#%!… is he? At least that was kinda what I was aiming for. 


	5. And Now, To The Beach!

NOTE: Cheers to Elven Sword for the idea for this chapter! Also, in this chapter I'll be toying with the idea that there is starting to be less Gollum and more Sméagol in Gollum/Sméagol. This is going to be a really short chapter so there will be the best effect. =0)

*&*

"Don't worry, Kathy. Just have a good time, all right?" Nat hugged her friend, and handed her a black duffel bag.

"Thanks," Kathy said. And she was truly grateful to her friend. Nat had volunteered to move into Kathy's house to housesit, and also to take care of Sméagol while she and Patrick went to the beach for some peace and quiet. Ah… Nat rocked. She owed her. Owed her big time. "If Sméagol gives too much trouble, just… don't call me."

Nat laughed. "Got it. Maybe I'll have more luck finding out where he plopped down onto Earth from."

"We should be going now, Kath," Patrick said from behind the driver's seat of Kathy's car.

Kathy gave her friend one more hug, and then looked around. Sméagol was nowhere to be seen. She smiled to herself. Much as she hated to admit it, she _would miss him quite a bit. She had grown used to his singing, his fishes, his weird habits (like flushing the toilet every five minutes regardless of whether it needed flushing, just to see if any fishes would pop out). The poor guy __was rather cute, and he seemed to be becoming a little less crazed over the Ring. He talked about "the precious" a lot less. Occasionally he would ask if she had found "the precious", and she would tell him very patiently that it was lost, and she still didn't know where it was. In the beginning he took the news really hard, but now he didn't seem to mind all that much anymore. Yes, she would miss him. But that didn't mean that it wasn't good to have a break._

Kathy got into the car, and Patrick grinned at her. As they pulled out of the driveway, she turned to wave goodbye to Nat.

*&*

It wasn't a very long drive to the beach, around 3 hours, and Patrick enjoyed every minute of it. He and Kathy turned on the radio to the country station and sang stupid country songs (even though they both _hated country songs), and then told stupid jokes, and then played a stupid game of "I Spy". All in all, it was a stupid drive. But very enjoyable. He sighed happily. Perhaps this holiday was going to be good after all._

"It's going to be so fun," he said. "Lounging around on the beach, getting a tan, swimming, eating, just hanging out…"

"Yup, I totally agree. Just the two of us," Kathy agreed.

*&*

They pulled up in front of the beach house they had rented. Kathy got out of the car and went to the trunk to get the suitcase while Patrick took out the duffel bags and other things in the back. "It's going to be a great holiday, I can't wait for us to really get down to having some fun!" Kathy said, unlocking the trunk. "Just the sun, the sand, the waves, you, me and…" She threw open the trunk.

"My precioussss…"

Oops.

*&*

NOTE: See what I said about short chapter? Well I didn't think the shock of the moment would be as great if I continued further.


	6. And Kathy Tells The Whole Truth

NOTE: Here chapter 6, to follow-up the incredibly short chapter 5! Going to be another short chapter because it was supposed to be 1 chapter with chapter 5 but I decided to split them up!

*&*

The weird guy did it again.

He ruined the holiday… _again._

Why couldn't he just disappear from the face of this Earth? He seemed to have done a bloody good job disappearing from Upper Earth, or wherever he had come from.

Patrick put his head in his hands. He felt like he was going to go insane. Kathy most definitely was insane already. She was shocked to see TWG (The Weird Guy), but she didn't seem to be all that disappointed. Of course she did moan about a perfect beach holiday ruined, but he noticed that she still ran to find a place to find fresh fish for TWG.

And worse, TWG was sitting opposite him _right now._

"Why can't you just go away?" Patrick asked him sharply.

"He hates usss… he hatesss uss…" TWG moaned. "He does not care if we die! Stupid evil Man!"

"Me? Stupid? At least I'm not the one who talks funny," Patrick snapped.

"Patrick, please, try to be nice to Sméagol," Kathy chided, entering the beach house with a bag of four fresh fishes. TWG looked up eagerly and went to her. "Now, Sméagol, you aren't going to be eating as much here, it isn't that easy to get fresh fish, all right? Unless you decide to go swimming in the sea and finding your own food," Kathy said to him, as if she was talking to a child. A child! TWG! A child! Patrick almost fainted.

"I'm trying to be nice. But he makes it really hard. Please tell him to stop calling me stupid," Patrick said, pointing an accusing finger at TWG, who put on a very innocent face.

"Sméagol, you shouldn't call Patrick stupid," Kathy said gently. "You shouldn't call anyone stupid. Okay?"

"Okay." TWG nodded innocently, and took a fish. He then proceeded to a little corner of the room and began to eat, humming to himself. Patrick could have sworn that he shot murderous looks at him occasionally, though.

"He's getting better," Kathy said softly, going to sit next to Patrick.

"You call _that getting better? I wouldn't want to know what he was like when he was totally gone."_

"He's a schizophrenic, Patrick. You've got to understand, he was tortured for five hundred years. That's not something you recover from quickly. But the Ring is destroyed now. There might actually be a chance for him to return to who he was before. Not _completely, though. I doubt he will look the same as before, but perhaps mentally he will be able to return to being just Sméagol. Maybe Gollum will disappear sometime soon. He's like a child now, in some ways. He's lost, don't you see?" Kathy tried to explain, but Patrick was just getting more and more confused. Tolkien must have been a freak to think up something that _that_. Sheesh!_

*&*

That night, Patrick took one look at Sméagol and announced that he was going to turn in early. Kathy nodded, and went to sit outside, watching the sea, listening to the waves. After awhile, she noticed that Sméagol had come to join her. "Hey, Sméagol," she said, giving him a smile. When she had first been forced to take him in, the smiles had been completely fake, just because she was afraid he would pounce on her and kill her, but now the smiles were genuine. She had meant every word that she had said to Patrick. Sméagol _was_ like a child. He was lost, and needed people to help guide him back to who he used to be.

"What's it doing?" Sméagol asked. "What's it doing, preciousss?"

"I'm just sitting out here, for some fresh air. You're welcome to join me if you want. It's nice to sit here and listen to the peace and quiet, isn't it? Did you do that often in Middle Earth, Sméagol?"

Sméagol looked puzzled for a moment. "Sméagol… poor poor Sméagol. We wept to be so alone… they hatesss us. They cursssed us and drove usss away. They hatess us. We were alone, so alone…" he said sadly.

"It was the Ring, you see," Kathy said to him. This was a really touchy subject that she had not brought up for quite awhile, and she knew she had to be very careful about what she said or he would just lose his head and everything would be lost. "It wasn't your fault. The Ring made you do it. It's evil. But it's gone now, Sméagol. Do you know that? It's lost forever. _Forever_. You can't find it here on Earth. You will never find it again, Sméagol." Sméagol's eyes widened as that sunk in, and Kathy hurried on, "But that's a good thing. You're free now, Sméagol. Gollum won't follow you around anymore. He won't torture you anymore, he won't hurt you anymore, and he won't make you do things you don't want to do anymore. You are free, really free. Think about that, Sméagol."

She patted him on his shoulder, and got up, leaving him to think about all that she had told him. 


	7. And Oh Dearie Me

TO CALI VANYA: Well I suppose Patrick isn't the quick-to-anger type but his limits are _definitely_ going to be tested!

TO ELVEN SWORD: Don't worry, I'm starting this chapter with a Nat POV!

TO ARLEEN: Hmm… maybe you're right, but maybe you're not. We'll have to see. But Patrick called Tolkien a freak. I just can't get over that. Okay so maybe it's not his fault since I'm the author and I literally put the words in his head, but still… lol.

*&*

Nat sat in Kathy's house, watching TV. Lucky for her, Kathy hadn't exactly sounded very upset about Sméagol the stowaway, well, stowing away. In fact, if she knew her friend well enough, Kathy was rather _pleased_ about it. She chuckled to herself. Despite all her protesting at first, Kathy had grown attached to Sméagol. There was no question about that; Kathy treated Sméagol like her adopted child or something. A _spoilt_ adopted child, no less.

And so now she could enjoy herself in Kathy's house. Yay. And maybe she could really figure out where Sméagol came from. Nodding to herself, she went up to Kathy's room. She started from the door, tapping walls and checking to see if they were hollow. Then she checked under the bed. And then under the desk.

For two whole hours she crawled around the room, checking every inch. Finally she decided to give up for the day. She wasn't getting anywhere. Sighing, she flopped onto Kathy's bed. The room was completely silent, except for a faint little shimmering sound… Wait. A. Minute. Shimmering sound? Nat sat bolt upright. Shimmering sound? That wasn't a normal thing to hear. Was she going insane? She held her breath, wanting the room to be completely quiet (even at the cost of her turning blue). There it was again. She looked around, trying to track down the sound (by now she was a little purple).

Creeping around the room, desperately trying to keep track of the sound, and try to breathe as gently as possible (is that really possible?), she finally found that the sound was coming from the little space of wall next to the cupboard. She must have missed that bit when she was checking just now. Gingerly, she poked her finger into the wall. And was sucked in.

_Oh my God I think I found it_.

*&*

"ARGHHHHH!!!" This was a cry that quite rivalled the one that Kathy let out when she first set eyes on Sméagol.

"What is it?" Kathy asked from her bed, not very pleased from being woken up so suddenly. "You could have given me a heart attack from that!"

Patrick was glaring at Sméagol, who was rubbing his arm and looking highly offended. "Cruel Man stepsss on usss!!! Even the fat hobbit does not steps on us!" Sméagol was saying.

"No one asked you to sleep _on the floor_!" Patrick yelled.

"Where else was poor Sméagol going to sleep?" Sméagol shot back. Kathy had to resist the urge to yell "BRAVO!" at the top of her voice and be proud of Sméagol. He _was_ rather sharp… "She said this room was for sleeping, and so Sméagol sleeps here!"

"Yeah… I _did_ say that," Kathy admitted.

Patrick was, by now, giving both of them The Death Glare. The one that would strike you dead, wake you up, and strike you dead again. "This is ridiculous! This holiday is just the pits! I hate this!" He jabbed his finger in Sméagol's direction. "I HATE YOU! YOU WEIRD THING! YOU GET OUT OF HERE! GET LOST!" Patrick grabbed hold of Sméagol's arm and dragged him out to the front door. Opening the door, he shoved Sméagol outside and shut the door.

His anger all vented out, he turned around feeling much better, only to falter when he saw Kathy standing behind him with THE Death Glare. The one that would strike you dead, wake you up, beat you to a pulp, and _then_ strike you dead again.

Half an hour later, Patrick was standing outside with all his bags, banging on the locked door, and Sméagol was inside having breakfast with Kathy.

*&*

Sméagol sat at the table, looking warily at the plate before him. The fish was _steamed_. Steamed! It wasn't wriggling, but he was used to that. But it wasn't raw either!

Kathy looked over at him and giggled. "Come on, try it. You can't eat raw fish all the time. Don't you get bored of it?"

"When Sméagol gets tired of fish, Sméagol eats birdses," he explained. He really didn't see why he had to explain that, though. It should have been perfectly clear for all to see. But then again, it should have been perfectly clear to everyone else that food was the best raw and wriggling, and it obviously wasn't.

Kathy made a face. "That's disgusting, Sméagol. Disgusting. Dis-gust-ing." She drew out every syllable as if to make sure it sank in. "You have to start recalling the taste of cooked food again, or else you are never going to survive very long. I'm not exactly planning to be running to the fish mart every day you are with me. I'm sure you didn't eat raw food when you were with the Riverfolk, did you?"

She had a point.

But that didn't mean he would use a fork.

*&* 

FIVE HOURS LATER

*&*

Patrick stood on the front porch of Kathy's house. Gosh, Nat had better be in, or he was seriously screwed. He hadn't brought all his stuff to the beach, and now that he was thrown out, he needed a place to stay. At least until he gathered his stuff to get back home.

He banged on the door, but there was no answer. Strange. It was Sunday, so Nat couldn't be working. Very strange. Where was she? He pressed the doorbell. Still no answer. Maybe she went to the store or something. Shopping. Yeah. Girls loved shopping. Well, he could go for breakfast, and then do some shopping himself, and then come back later.

*&*

FIVE MORE HOURS LATER

*&*

GOSH, WHERE THE HELL WAS SHE?

*&*

NOTE: And we come to the end of the 7th chapter! Hope you enjoyed it!


	8. And We Do Some Vamoosing

TO ELVEN SWORD, CALI VANYA, REGEANE AND ARLEEN: I really have no idea who Nat is going to meet either! Let's see where this goes, shall we?

TO PLASMOLYSED CELL MEMBRANE: Can't imagine eating raw food. Bleh. Which is why Smeágol has to be educated back to the state of eating normal food. It's not that he _can't_ eat cooked food. It's that he's been eating raw food for sooooo long that he can't really remember the taste of cooked food anymore, and therefore isn't very keen on trying it.

ONE MORE TO ARLEEN: I did kinda touch on Sméagol's reaction. If he was totally upset and angry with it, I'm sure Kathy (and Patrick) would not have woken up the next day; probably they would have already been strangled. And Sméagol's beginning his road to recovery!

*&*

GOSH, WHERE THE HELL AM I?

To scream, or not to scream? Yes, that was _definitely_ the question. As well as about as much Shakespeare reference Nat could ever make in her life.

She looked around her, and decided not to scream. She didn't know if anyone was watching, and if she would be shot and skewered and eaten by cannibals. She didn't even know where she was. _Well, I suppose I must be in Middle Earth_, she thought to herself. _Then again, logically, I should be in the Pit of Doom, being burned to a crisp_.

Then she noticed a guy walking towards her. He was all in black. He stopped before her, and said in a deep, deep voice, "Natalie, I am your father."

Holy crap.

To scream, or not to scream?

She screamed…

…And so did this bearded person in front of her. Realising that it wasn't Darth Vader, Nat cut off her scream and gasped, "I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry, sir…"

"_Sir_? I am no man! I'm a woman!" came the indignant reply from the bearded person.

_Oh my God not the circus please not the circus. I hate clowns._ She then forced herself to take a closer look, and realised that the bearded person was wearing a kind of dress-like thingy, and was rather… short and stocky. And then it hit her. _Oh my God this might be worse than being at the circus._ But she forced herself to be polite. Really polite. "Excuse me, I am sorry. Might I enquire after my location?" _Great, Nat, you sound like a seventeenth century lady who wears balloons for skirts. Enquire after my location indeedy doody._

The bearded person drew herself up to her full height (which really wasn't that much). "You are in the Glittering Caves, under the rule of Lord Gimli. I am Lura, and I found you outside the caves about… an hour ago."

"And you carried me here all by yourself?" Nat forgot all about courtesy.

Lura snorted (or something like that, anyway). "Of course not. I had help from my brother Mali." Lura leaned towards Nat, examining her. "Are you from Gondor? Did the King send you? Do you have a message for Lord Gimli?"

Nat shook her head. "No. In fact, I'm not even from Middle Earth. I don't know… don't know what happened."

"NOT FROM MIDDLE EARTH???!!!" Lura screeched, obviously scandalised by such a thought. "Where do you come from then?"

"I don't know… I'm… I'm not kidding, I… I really… really don't know," Nat stuttered. That screech had really gotten to her. Now she knew how Gollum felt when he first plopped into Earth. "I don't know how I got to Middle Earth… I'm from this planet called Earth… but I'm pretty sure it's not the same Earth as this one…"

Lura's eyes were now as big as they could possibly go for dwarves, and finally she just shook her head, as if resigning herself to the fact that she was speaking to a retard. "Perhaps you should come and meet Lord Gimli… he might know what to do. Come with me." Turning, she left the room, leaving Nat with no choice but to scurry along behind, gawking at the huge amount of bearded people around outside, and feeling very strange in her T-shirt and jeans.

*&*

Steamed fish wasn't so bad after all, Sméagol decided after his second time eating it. In fact, it was rather good. And familiar. He could vaguely remember having steamed fish, oh, about half a century ago, if not more.

*&*

Kathy watched with satisfaction as Sméagol ate his steamed fish. He refused to use cutlery, but that was all right, she was willing to take things one step at a time. They were making good progress. In fact, she was actually having fun, something she never thought she'd get from being in the company of Sméagol. The next thing she aimed for him to do was to walk on two legs like he did before, instead of crawling about on all fours.

After breakfast, Kathy put on her bathing suit, grabbed her beach stuff and the cordless phone, and signalled to Sméagol to go outside. Well, this holiday had definitely not turned out as she thought, but that didn't mean she couldn't work on her tan anyway.

Sméagol loved the water. Kathy looked up and down the beach. No one was looking; this was not exactly a vacation period, and there was no one staying in the other beach houses. So it was definitely safe to let him swim. Sighing with satisfaction, she slathered herself with suntan lotion and lay back on her blanket. _And let the tanning begin._ This was good.

Her wonderful peace was interrupted by the shrill ringing of the phone. She groaned. She had took the phone out, yes, but she had definitely not been expecting anyone to call. Jabbing the button, she stuck the phone to her ear. "Hello?"

"Hello? Kathy?"

Kathy groaned again. "What is it, Patrick?"

"Erm… erm… so what is HE doing." It was really very obvious who 'HE' was.

Kathy glanced over at Sméagol, who had discovered that diving in seas was about the same thing as diving in pools and lakes and rivers, only on a bigger scale. "Finding Nemo," she said sarcastically. "What do you care, anyway?"

Patrick's voice took on a defensive tone. "Nothing, nothing! I was just… I don't know. Never mind. Anyway. Nat's gone."

"What do you mean, gone?"

"I mean, _gone gone. She vamoosed. And I'm not joking with you and so maybe you should vamoose your butt back home and help figure stuff out."_

Aw, man. "All right, all right, I'll try to get home as soon as possible." Hanging up, Kathy stood up and yelled out to Sméagol, "Hey Sméagol, we have to go now!" Sighing and picking up her beach blanket, she began to walk back to the house to begin her "vamoosing".

*&*

NOTE: Hope you liked this chapter! I actually have no idea how to describe Dwarf women, does anyone have any ideas?


	9. And Nat Is LITERALLY Dwarfed

TO ARLEEN: Nat's pickle of a situation will be explained! =0)

TIMEKEEPER: It's been 2 weeks since Sméagol splatted into Earth.

*&*

"Well, she can't possibly have disappeared into thin air, could she?" Kathy remarked, her hands on her hips. She was definitely not please about her holiday being interrupted, and the fact that she was getting rather worried for that nut of a best friend was not helping her mood.

"I don't know, had to get a locksmith to get into your house. She wasn't here, and she wasn't at her place. And it's been quite a while for her to have gone shopping, don't you think?" Patrick shot back, still not very willing to forgive Kathy for chasing him out of the beach house. "It's like she vanished from the face of the Earth."

_Vanished from the face of the Earth_. That struck something in Kathy's mind, and she gasped. "Vanished from the face of the Earth! That's it! I think she's found the portal. Oh my gosh, she might be in Middle Earth!" Ignoring Patrick, she dashed up to her room, Sméagol following hard on her heels, feeling rather excited about the idea of going back to Middle Earth, and therefore avoiding the bath that Kathy had said to give him, and also avoiding the need to use a fork.

Patrick and Kathy spent an hour searching her room, but there was no sign of the portal, or where it could possibly be. Sméagol tried helping too, but decided against it after he opened a drawer and discovered that it was full of Kathy's undergarments (he was _definitely_ not used to seeing that).

They finally gave up, and sat on the floor, exhausted. "Maybe the portal only opens at a certain time, like once a week or something," Kathy suggested. "Then we just have to wait for one week for Nat to get back, and to send Sméagol home." She crossed her fingers behind her back. _Please let Nat find a way back_. Much as they liked to fantasise about it, she was sure that neither of them would be very happy living long term in Middle Earth, and Nat might be halfway down the Pit of Doom, or already fried to a crisp by molten lava. _Please let Nat come back_.

*&*

Nat scurried after Lura, trying to keep her pace. Man, Dwarves walked _fast_!

Finally they came to a great hall, and Lura stopped and curtsied (or something like that) to the dwarf inside, examining a map. "Lord Gimli. I have brought you a visitor. I found her unconscious outside the caves awhile ago, and she just woke up. She does not know where she comes from, and I thought it best to let you decide what to do with her."

_What to do with her_? WHOA. "What to do with me? What do you mean, what to do with me?" Nat burst out.

Lura did not answer, but looked to Gimli. He nodded. "Don't worry, miss, we have no wish to harm you. But you are dressed strangely indeed, unlike anyone I have seen in Middle Earth, and you say that you know not where in Middle Earth you come from? That is strange!" he said, gesturing for her to take a seat on one of the benches.

Nat obeyed. "Lord Gimli, I'm really sorry for imposing on you like that, but it was through no choice of my own. You see, I come from this place called Earth, and I chanced upon. a portal of sorts. And I suppose that was what brought me here."

Gimli nodded. "I have not heard of such portals, but Middle Earth is full of strange things. Perhaps if Lura brought you back to where you were found, you could find the portal and make your way back."

Nat nodded in relief. "Yes, that would be a good idea, my lord. Thank you!"

*&*

There was no portal when Lura led her back. "This is impossible! You are sure that it is here?" she asked in disbelief.

Lura nodded. "Of course I am sure, I have a good memory! It was this very spot where I found you!"

Nat sighed. Perhaps it was one of those portals that only opened at a certain time. Great. Then she could be here for months and years or even decades and no one would know where she was. She was going to be left here, living with _Dwarves_ for the rest of her life! She was never going to have a good boyfriend or get married. ugh. She shook her head. _But I should have materialised in the Pit of Doom, and died. no wait. Mount Doom was blown up, and so the portal was probably covered. That explains it then_. Well, at least she was still alive.

"Come on, let's go back and tell Lord Gimli the news. Perhaps he will have to send you somewhere. The caves are probably not a good place for you to stay," Lura said brusquely.

"Well, I should have to stay here, because if I left the caves how would I know when the portal opened again? If I missed the next opening, it could be years before it happened again!"

Somehow Lura didn't seem to enjoy thinking about that possibility.


	10. And Let's Add Some Taters

TO ARLEEN: This chapter is for you!

*&*

Sméagol sat between Kathy and Patrick on the couch, staring at the television. Now, he had seen Kathy watching television, and he _swore_ that when she did so there were moving pictures in it… but now it was just a stupid black box. Why? Was it spoilt? Did it spoil it? And (very important question here) could it be eaten? Was it tasty? He was definitely hungry, but Kathy had forgotten all about lunch, or dinner, or whatever it was they were supposed to be eating right now.

"Well, I suppose that there's nothing much we can do, except hope that she finds a way back soon," Kathy said sighing.

"Yeah. I guess so. I hope she's safe. Anyway… is there any food around here? I'm starving," Patrick said.

For once, Sméagol agreed with the guy. He began walking towards the kitchen.

"No!" Kathy stood up. "_I_ am the only person who will do the cooking around here."

Darn. Sméagol had hoped that he could get out of eating cooked food. He really did miss raw food, no matter what Kathy said about him having to change his ways. Changing his ways was all well and good, but did he have to eat cooked food _all the time_?

*&*

Patrick watched as TWG came back to take his place on the couch. Kathy was already clanging about in the kitchen. He sighed. He and Kathy would never get back together. In fact, this was just a truce until Nat got back. Suddenly he wished that Nat would not get back; then he would not have to face the fireworks. He picked up the remote and switched on the television.

"Whatssss that, precious?" TWG asked, staring curiously at the remote.

"It's called a remote, and if you touch it, you'd be killed instantly," Patrick said, making sure that he looked serious. The last thing he needed was to have TWG playing with the remote while he was watching TV.

TWG stared at the remote, and then poked it suddenly. Nothing happened, and he laughed his maniacal little laugh. "Stupid Man liesss," he said, picking up the remote and pressing about three buttons at once. Then he proceeded to change the channel every five seconds. "This is nice, very nice, yes indeed." He cackled.

Great. Just great. TWG had discovered the remote control. This was the end of the world.

*&*

The three of them sat at the kitchen table, and Kathy was eating calmly and watching the other two. Sméagol was staring incredulously at his plate, and Patrick was staring at Sméagol as if expecting a surprise attack at any moment.

"What's this?" Sméagol asked, pointing at the lump on his plate.

"Potatoes. Mashed potatoes," Kathy explained. "They're good for you, and tasty as well."

"Taters." Sméagol shook his head. "Fat hobbit likesss tatersss. But he did not like Sméagol very much, poor poor Sméagol."

"We like you fine here," Kathy said.

Patrick snorted. "Speak for yourself," he said softly, but shut up when Kathy shot him a look.

"Eat your potatoes, Sméagol. Trust me, it's good." Kathy stuck a spoonful of mashed potatoes in her mouth to prove her point. "See? I'm eating it too."

Sméagol still looked wary, but he (with the clumsy use of his spoon) managed to get some potatoes in his mouth. His eyes widened when he realised that they were actually tasty lil' buggers, potatoes were, and Kathy could not help laughing at that comical sight.

*&*

Kathy lay awake that night, thinking about how things had changed. The first time she had met Sméagol, she had been frightened of him, and shocked and really didn't like him all that much. Now, she saw him as a child, _her_ child. And thought that he was cute, and really quite a good guy. It wasn't his fault, what had happened in Middle Earth. It could have happened to anyone. The Ring could do that to people, all sorts of people.

And now Nat was gone, gallivanting somewhere in Middle Earth and having a good time, Kathy hoped. She blocked out the thought of her friend roasting in Mount Doom. Nat was going to be just fine.

Sméagol came into her room and curled into a ball at the foot of her bed, and she smiled in the dark. 


	11. And Men Are Crazy

Note: Ainu Laire has pointed out that it's "Middle-earth" and not "Middle Earth". And then I realised that it's been staring me straight in the face, on my LotR book cover, and I just never noticed! Hahaha… boy you do learn something new everyday, don't you? So thanks to Ainu Laire for pointing that out. I'm a little lazy to replace all my chapters right not but maybe one day I'll get down to it!

*&*

"What on earth are you doing, Sméagol?" Kathy asked.

Sméagol did not even bother to tear his eyes away from the screen. "This is nice, very nice…" he said.

"What? Baywatch?" Kathy almost laughed herself to death. BAYWATCH!

"The water looks nice. Plenty of yummy fishes," Sméagol explained. Then he frowned. "But Sméagol don't like the people. Sméagol don't like the red suits."

By then Kathy was laughing so hard her stomach muscles were cramping. "Oww owww…" she moaned between peals of laughter. Sméagol was looking at her strangely, not understanding what was so funny about his remarks. "Wait till Nat hears about this," she gasped. Then she staggered to her kitchen to get herself some water and calm down.

"OOOH!"

Kathy went out to see what it was that had got Sméagol so excited. Turned out that he had found a channel playing Blue Planet, and was mega-excited about the huge amount of fishes. She shook her head. Once a rabid fish eater, always a rabid fish eater.

*&*

Nat was beginning to feel that she was going nuts. It had been twenty-five days! And the portal had not opened. Man, how long was she going to have to live in a cave? And it really really didn't help that she couldn't fit in any of the Dwarves clothes and thus had to wear her stupid shirt and jeans the whole time.

The only good thing that had come out of it was that she had made friends with Lura (somewhat, anyway), and Gimli as well. Gimli was very nice to her, and did his best to make sure that she was comfortable, but there was just nothing he could do about her bad, bad situation.

At least malt beer tasted good.

She was beginning to miss home now. Dwarves were all right, of course (they sure beat Orcs, or the Pit of Doom), but she wanted to be back among normal humans. She was getting a backache bending down speaking to everyone, and she was convinced that she was developing a hunch and that it would be permanent.

Great. She wished that the stupid portal would just open already.

*&*

TWG now seemed to be a permanent fixture right in front of the TV. Patrick sighed. Great. Now he would never get to watch anything. Unless… could he get TWG interested in soccer?

"Hey there, whatsyourname," he said, trying to be as polite as possible. He couldn't call TWG TWG, could he? And he really had no idea what his real name was, even though Kathy used it a few hundred times a day.

TWG looked at him a little warily. "Hello." Then he was back to staring at Good Charlotte's music video.

Patrick slowly picked up the remote and switched to the sports channel. "Now… why don't you try watching this? It's so much better."

*&*

Kathy entered the living room to see Patrick patiently trying to explain the rules of soccer to Sméagol. Sméagol was half-listening, just fascinated by this group of men running around like maniacs kicking a ball. "Men are crazy!" was the final conclusion, and Patrick flung up his hands in defeat.

"Don't push too hard explaining things to him," she said. "Just be glad he's willing to watch the channel that you want."

Patrick nodded in agreement and settled down to watch the game (which means, if you have ever seen guys watching soccer, that he would jump up every now and then and yell stuff). Kathy shook her head. Men. She could never understand why they _had_ to get the fantastically excited about any sports they were watching. Couldn't they just watch the whole thing through in a calm, composed, mature manner?

_Men are crazy_. Yes, she totally agreed.

*&*

NOTE: Yes this is a very short chapter. Apologies.


	12. And Here's Deon The NotSoGreat

Thanks for all the reviews! I haven't been writing because I've been extremely busy but now I'm trying to get in touch with all my fics again and get back in the swing of things. =0)

*&*

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sméagol grabbed on to the banister desperately, doing all he could to prevent going and having this "bath" thing that Kathy had finally decided to subject him to.

"Patrick, can you give me a hand here?" Kathy yelled, panting and puffing. Sméagol was _strong_.

Sméagol kicked and lashed as best he could, but Patrick had finally got him in a death grip and there was no getting out. Finally resigned to his fate, he walked along between Patrick and Kathy, hoping that whatever it was that was going to happen to him, it would not be as bad as what the Orcs did to him in Mordor. That was nasty. Totally uncool. (That phrase he learned on MTV.)

They led him to the bathroom and he peered in curiously. All he saw was a bathtub (yet another nifty word courtesy of the Home Shopping Channel) filled with water… and the regular toilety stuff. What _was_ this bath?

"Get into the tub now, Sméagol."

_That's it? Get into the tub?_

Sméagol had never felt that cheated in his life. All that fuss and trouble, and all that he was required to do with swim in that white thing? Sheesh. He jumped in without hesitation. Pretty comfy… but could have been better if there were a few fishes in there.

*&*

"Ride to the Glittering Caves, Deon. Lord Gimli has sent word, saying that he needs help," Éomer instructed his bannerman. Then he stuffed a bag into his hands. "And bring this to him. The women have packed it nicely, there's no need for you to open it, so all you have to do is to pass it to him."

Deon nodded briskly and bowed to his king, then mounted his horse and rode away. This was going to be the mission of his life. He just knew it. He was going to be of great service to Lord Gimli, perhaps fight Haradhrim or Orcs, and he would gain glory and recognition and his king would present him with great tokens and everyone would know his name. This was going to be the best thing that had ever happened to him.

*&*

"I have sent word to the King of Rohan to send aid," Gimli told Nat.

"Aid?" Nat raised her eyebrows. "Am I that dangerous?" After spending more than a month with the dwarves, she had grown pretty at home, and was on first-name terms with Gimli. Not that he had any other name for her to call him by, though, he wouldn't tell her his secret name.

"Dresses," Gimli amended.

"You only send for dresses after I've been here for a month?"

"Well, we thought that you would be gone any day," Gimli mumbled. "Now it seems like you'll be here for quite a while."

"Ah hah." Nat had no response to that; indeed it seemed to be true.

*&*

TWO DAYS LATER

*&*

Hah! He had arrived! The Great Deon to the rescue!

Deon followed the two dwarves into the hall of Lord Gimli, his head held high. Dwarves that passed him smiled, and he assumed that it was because they were so glad that help had come to them at last. A great warrior…

The doors opened and Deon entered to stand before Lord Gimli. "Lord Gimli, I am Deon, sent by Éomer, the King of Rohan…" he began, and was going to go on a long ramble of his past escapades (of course, exaggerated a little for maximum effect), when he was rudely interrupted.

"Oh dear… we had hoped…" Gimli muttered, thinking that Deon could not hear him. Then the dwarf smiled. "Welcome, Deon. I'm glad that you've come. And I see that you have brought what was requested. Thank you very much. You'll meet her in a moment."

Her? Perhaps it was a dangerous witch, or a dragon?

The doors opened again, and Deon turned, almost jumping with anticipation.

What he saw was worse than a witch or a dragon.

*&*

_What the…_?

A _guy_? Help sent from Rohan? A guy? Nat had expected a girl, to share her girly troubles and to have girly talks with. But a guy?

He was gaping at her as well, and she supposed that he had not exactly been properly briefed on what he was in for. At that thought, she almost laughed out loud. The fellow had probably been expecting some grand battle. But he did look like a pompous git.

*&*

"Ah, Natalie, just in time. Deon, I would like you to meet Natalie. You'll have to be around to help Natalie until the time comes for her to leave. I'm sure she'll explain her whole situation to you in due time. Nat, come and meet Deon, he's very kindly come to help you and probably tell you more about Middle-earth. Also, he brought you your dresses."

_Dresses_? Deon watched in horror as Nat walked forward and picked up the bag. He had thought that he had brought some secret weapon, and they were just _dresses_? Nat turned to him and gave him a sugary sweet smile, extending a hand. "Thank you for all your help."

They almost crushed each other's fingers.

*&*

"So what do you do in Rohan?" Nat asked after she had changed into a dress. It was a slightly big for her, but she looked rather nice in it, Deon had to admit. Of course, he would never say it out loud, not to this useless chit.

Deon drew himself up to his full height. "I'm the bannerman of Éomer, King of Rohan. When we ride into war, I am always by his side, bearing his banner. During times of peace I take care of his every need, I make sure he has everything that he could possibly want."

Nat nodded. "Right. So… you're like a servant?"

"_Absolutely not_!" Deon was horrifed at the idea. "I am the bannerman of the King! I am the only one who can hold his flag! He depends on me to see to his needs!"

"Right. Just like a servant."

If she had not been a lady, he would have punched her.


	13. And Boy They Hate Each Other

I really need to write more but I'm not supposed to use the computer as much anymore since exams are coming…

*&*

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Sméagol grabbed onto the edge of the bathtub desperately, doing all he could to prevent being dragged out of the bathtub.

"Gosh, could you just decide whether you like baths? Then we wouldn't have to go through all this trouble!" Patrick huffed and puffed, tugging on Sméagol's huge feet.

Kathy stood back, determined to try a more diplomatic approach. "Come on, Sméagol, let go of the bathtub, you can have another bath tomorrow. But you have to get out now. Please, Sméagol?"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

All righty then. She joined Patrick in tugging on his feet. 

*&*

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Nat glowered at the hyena standing behind her. "What, you never see a person fall down before?" she snapped.

"Well, not as spectacularly as you have," Deon said between peals of laughter. "Admit it, you can't wear a dress!"

"Shut up, Deon, neither can you." Nat held her dress up high and stalked off.

*&*

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Deon glared at Nat, sitting across him at the table. The evil woman had put SALT in his ale! Mounds and mounds of salt! At least, that was what it tasted like. He just _knew_ that he shouldn't have trusted her even near his food. "What, you never see a person choke before?"

"Well, not as spectacularly as you have," Nat said sweetly. "Admit it, you can't hold your salt!"

Deon sighed. He just couldn't believe that he was to be stuck here with this… this… creature!

*&*

Kathy, Patrick and TWG sat around the table, eating their respective different meals. Kathy was having pasta, Patrick was having fisherman's pie and TWG was having sashimi. They sat silently, not finding any common topic to speak about. Patrick eyed TWG's plate. The sashimi _did_ look awful nice… he would really like some… perhaps he could come to some trade-off with TWG.

"Hey, would you like some of my pie?" he offered. "It's fish."

TWG eyed the pie. "Okay." He grinned as Patrick gave him a slice, then began eating again. _Without_ offering Patrick anything. Patrick sighed. Well, he shouldn't have expected TWG to have any sense of courtesy.

"Erm… Sméagol, I think you should offer Patrick some of your food," Kathy suggested.

"But we don't wants to."

"But he offered you his," Kathy pointed out.

"He asks us if we wants his food, and we says yes. We didn't ask for his food. But we don't wants to offer him our food."

Kathy found nothing to say to that, and once again the table lapsed into silence, except for the clinking of the silverware on the plates. (TWG had finally given in, and was gingerly using a fork.)

*&*

"Do you really have to tap this rock every single day?" Deon complained.

"What, you want me here in Middle-earth forever?" Nat shot back. She stuck her tongue out at him, and he had to fight the urge not to do likewise. He was a mature soldier of Rohan, and one day he would get his chance to prove himself. He would not stoop to the level of this uncouth woman.

"Well, I do hope then that it would just swallow you up one day and then we'd get this all over with."

"Don't worry, Deon, I wish for the same thing. Nobody wants to be stuck with some poncy servant forever, you know."

Argh, she was so infuriating. He stuck his tongue out at her.

*&*

This is an incredibly short entry, I realise, but I'm really sorry I have no clue what more to write!


	14. And We Need A Truce, Plus 2 Jobs

I'm back writing this story! I'll probably be finishing it off soon, or else I'm just going to run out of things to write about and then I'll be rambling on like a senile old woman.

I know this is going to be rather sudden from the last chapter, but I wasn't exactly sure how to make it more gradual. This is one of those sudden 180° turn moments that, hey, let's face it, _do_ happen in life.

* * *

"You two just _have_ to stop your nonsense!" Gimli's face was red, and it seemed as if he was pretty darned mad. Nat had never seen him like that before. It was scary. An angry dwarf was definitely on her list of one of the most freaky-deaky things she had ever seen.

Gimli continued his tirade. "Practical jokes, yelling… you would think that the both of you would break into a fight one day! I will not tolerate all this in my home, you hear?"

"All right, sir…" Deon muttered, clearly taken aback by Gimli's wrath as well.

"Yes… we understand, Gimli. I'm sorry…" Nat added.

The dwarf took a deep breath. "Good."

* * *

"Ow!"

Deon turned to see Nat sprawled on the ground. A grimace had twisted her face, and her right ankle was at an odd angle. _That definitely hurts_, he thought to himself with a smirk. "Hah, told you, you can't wear a dress," he said.

"You're really helpful, you know," Nat shot back. "OWWW."

Something in Deon relented, and he walked back towards her. He held on to her arm and helped her to her feet. "Here, put your arm across my shoulders and put your weight on me," he muttered. Nat did so, and they took a few steps in that awkward, wobbly manner. Nat almost fell over again, pulling Deon down with her. "That doesn't work," Deon said, stating the obvious. "Oh well." With one smooth gesture, he picked Nat up, like a knight carrying a princess.

"What am I supposed to do with my arms?" Nat asked lamely, blushing at the way she was being carried. When she was a child, she had once dreamed that a nice guy would carry her like that. _Except Deon's _not_ a nice guy_, she told herself. _He's a horrid, stuck-up freak_.

"Just put them around my neck." Deon carried her easily. He was pretty strong. They went on this way for awhile. _He's not that bad after all_, Nat decided. Then Deon just had to spoil the lovely feeling she was having for him by remarking, "You're really heavy."

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

"Thanks, Pete, I owe you." Patrick hung up the phone and sighed. He was _definitely_ needing two weeks extra of a break. Pete was an angel, for agreeing to help him out. Kathy spared him a glance, and then turned her head back to the paper.

TWG came lumbering into the room, and took his place between the two of them on the couch. He turned to Kathy. "What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for a job, Sméagol. I've been on 'extended holiday' for long enough."

"What's a job?"

"It's something you do with your time, and then you get paid for it. With the money you get from it, you can get things that you need and like."

"Like fish?"

"Yes, like fish."

TWG grabbed the newspaper, and began poring over it. "Sméagol wants a job," he declared.

Patrick burst out laughing. "What are you going to work as? Or better yet, who is going to employ you?"

Kathy, on the other hand, looked rather thoughtful. "Hmmm… maybe that could work."

Patrick choked on his laughter. "WHHHHHAAAAT???!!!"

* * *

Chapters will become shorter. I don't exactly have a reason for that. Perhaps because more of my attention are going towards my other fic. Perhaps it's just easier. Perhaps it's funnier. Perhaps I just like it that way. I don't know. But chapters will probably be this length from now on. Sorry…


	15. And Truth Or Dare Is Played For The Firs...

Well since I've finished my other story, Love's Mysteries, I figured that I might as well finish this one off before I start on anything and go nuts over writing it again. I mean, we can't leave poor Gollum hanging around forever!

* * *

Patrick paced up and down the room, throwing glances at Kathy and Sméagol, both poring over the newspaper. "You two are crazy! A job! A job for _him_! That's just insane. Who wants to employ him? What can he do?"

"I don't know yet, that's why we're looking, aren't we? He could always do something simple. It _would_ help the house, you know. If you haven't noticed, I haven't been working for a while. My savings are getting pretty depleted. Unless, of course, you intend to provide for the two of us?"

"I didn't say that," Patrick muttered. "But what can he work as?"

Kathy looked up with a satisfied smile. "I got it."

* * *

"Come on, what's wrong with you? Too afraid to try?" Nat teased.

Deon's face was flushed full red now. "I am _not_ too afraid!" he exclaimed.

Nat grinned. "Then give it a try. Come on, it's easy. I just ask you a question and you either answer it, telling _only the truth_, or else you just do something that I will specify. It's really simple. It's called Truth or Dare, how bad does that sound?"

"I have no idea how bad that sounds… you can make _anything_ bad," Deon muttered. "All right, all right, I'll give it a try."

"All righty then, truth or dare?"

Deon glanced at Nat suspiciously. "Truth."

"Have you ever been in love?"

Deon raised his hands defensively. "No! I am not answering that question!"

"You have to," Nat protested. "It's the rules, and you agreed to play the game! Look, you can ask me any question you want later, and I'll have to answer it too, it's just how it goes!"

"You're not supposed to ask such personal questions!"

"Am too!" Nat insisted. "That's the point of the whole game! What did you think I was going to ask you, your favourite colour? The point of the game is to learn things that you'll never learn otherwise. Now, out with it. Have you ever been in love?"

Deon sighed, defeated. He slumped against the rock (he was so tired of rocks, he wanted to go back to Rohan, but Nat couldn't leave and there was no way he could leave her, since he'd promised he'd stay). "Well… I suppose… yes, yes I have. But it's all over now."

"What happened?" Nat leaned in closer, wondering if he would tell her at all.

He shook his head, closing his eyes. "She married someone else, that's what happened. And then it was just… over."

"Why would she want to marry someone else? Didn't she love you as well?"

"I don't know. I wasn't good enough, I suppose. After she got married, I entered the service of the King Théoden, serving him till his death. Now I serve King Éomer. But I'll still never be good enough for her."

Nat shook her head, and reached for his hand. "Nah, I don't believe that at all. No one's ever not good enough. My mum told me that every day when I was a child, and she believed in it, and so do I. Perhaps she had her reasons, or perhaps there's something else planned for you."

Deon stared at their linked hands for a moment, then laughed. "I never expected that you would actually _touch_ me without hurting me."

Nat started, not noticing that she had actually reached for his hand, and then she began laughing too. "Well, what else could I do? I was afraid that you would start crying," she said, embarrassed.

"I suppose it's my turn, then, to ask a question?" Deon smiled. "How about you, ever been in love?"

Nat thought for a moment, then shook her head. "No, I haven't. I thought I was, a few times, but it all ended up as an illusion. I've never been in love. Never met the right person to fall in love with."

Deon nodded, accepting her answer. It was Nat's turn to ask a question, but she said nothing, thinking about this man sitting next to her, finally seeing his other side.

* * *

"LIFEGUARD?" Patrick half-shrieked. "YOU WANT _HIM_ TO BE A LIFEGUARD???!!!"

"Shhh! Are you going to scream the house down?" Kathy looked down at TWG's grinning face. "Why not? He's a good swimmer."

Patrick put his head in his hands. Great. Just great. "Did you ever stop to think that the people might be more afraid of him than of drowning?"

TWG frowned. "Why? Nice Sméagol's friendly."


	16. And Kathy's Neighbour Sounds Like A Ring...

This might seem sudden because I haven't warned any of you before this, but the story is probably ending really, really soon. Like in the next chapter or something. Because I have thought up a nice little ending for this. And there's really no point to drag it out anymore. I'm running out of funny cells!

* * *

"All right. Ready, Sméagol?"

TWG nodded, a big smile on his face. He was wearing a shirt and pants, for once. They were the smallest Kathy could find in the house, but they still hung off his bony figure.

"You're not going to make it," Patrick warned from his seat on the stairs.

"At least it's worth a shot," Kathy said. "Come on, you never know until you try. Let's go, Sméagol."

She opened the door, and it slammed shut behind them as they walked out. Patrick sighed. A bloodcurdling scream was heard, and Kathy and TWG came rushing back into the house, almost falling over each other. Kathy slammed the door shut again, and collapsed against it.

"The neighbour was outside, huh?" Patrick remarked.

TWG was cowering in a corner, obviously shocked out of his mind. Kathy was panting, sitting against the door. "Yeah," she said.

"You know now it's not going to work, right?" Patrick continued, rather glad that his point had just been so effectively proven.

"Yeah," she said.

"Sméagol no job, then?" TWG asked timidly from his corner.

"Yeah," she said.

* * *

Sméagol sat sulking in the bathtub. He was feeling rather upset at not having a job. It was silly. It was unfair. And why on earth had that stupid fat woman screamed so loudly? She sounded like a Ringwraith.

* * *

Kathy was sprawled on the couch, going through the classifieds once again. Sméagol couldn't get a job anymore, but she definitely had to find one for herself. Or else they would be out on the streets eating from the garbage. Somehow she didn't find that very appealing, even though Sméagol would probably have fun for the first couple of days.

* * *

Nat flopped down on Deon's bed. "Wow, nice. Comfy."

"It's probably exactly like your bed. Why are you even in my room?" Deon asked.

"I don't know. I thought I'd visit. Be friendly and all," Nat chirped. She was a little high from all those sweet stuff she had eaten at dinner. What _were_ they, anyway? And also, she had consumed a rather large amount of malt beer. "Hey, tell me, will you miss me if I went back to Earth one day?"

"I wouldn't miss you lying on my bed, definitely," Deon remarked. "Now, can you please _get off_?"

"All right, grumpy…" Nat got off the bed, but settled down comfortably on the ground. "I'm getting rather used to all these dresses. They're nice. I haven't fallen down in ages. Really must meet your king one day and say thanks."

"I don't think that would be necessary. He probably wouldn't want to meet you," Deon muttered. "Anyway… you look nice in that dress."

Nat's eyes widened at the compliment. "Really? Wow. Cool. Thanks." She stood up and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Anyway, I think I will go to bed now. Toodle-loo!"

Deon stared after he as she waltzed out of his room. "That girl's definitely a little drunk tonight," he said to himself. But he touched his cheek and smiled.


	17. And It All Ends

"All right, you two, behave yourselves," Kathy warned. "I'm off for my interview, and I'll be right back after that, okay?"

Patrick nodded. "Don't worry, we're not going to kill each other. At least, I won't kill him."

Kathy rolled her eyes and left the house, glad to be out by herself for a moment, even if it _was_ to go for an interview.

* * *

Patrick put his feet up on the table, closing his eyes for a moment. It was good that Kathy had finally found a suitable job for herself, it had been a week already. Soon he would _really_ have to get back to work, or he would be fired.

He sighed, opened his eyes, and almost jumped a foot to see TWG sitting right next to him, in the exact same position: feet up on the table, head leaned back, eyes closed. TWG cracked one eye opened and asked, "What?"

"What on _earth_ are you doing?"

"It feels nice," TWG explained patiently, then closed his eyes and went back to his state of meditation.

Despite himself, Patrick grinned. Then he did the same, and the house was quiet, a first in a really, _really_, long time.

* * *

"Let's see what CDs Kathy's got," Patrick muttered to himself. He and TWG were sitting on the floor of Kathy's room, feeling rather bored and rifling through Kathy's CD collection. "Hmm… she has a rather large collection of CDs, I must say."

Suddenly TWG sat up straight. "What's that?"

Patrick shut up immediately, and the room was plunged into a deathly silence. Then he heard it too, a light, shimmering sound that seemed to be coming from somewhere next to the cupboard.

TWG picked up a CD (The Best of LeAnn Rimes) and flung it at the wall. It disappeared into the wall.

"Hey, what did you do that…" Patrick began to say, then cut himself off. "Hey, where did it go?"

"That's it!" TWG began to shriek in excitement. "The portal! To Middle-earth!"

"Do you mean to say that The Best Of LeAnn Rimes is now somewhere in Middle-earth?"

TWG gave Patrick a look that he _must_ have learnt from Kathy, and Patrick raised his hands in defence. "All right, all right! So… you're going home then?"

TWG frowned, looking at the wall. He seemed to be having a hard time deciding.

* * *

"OW!" Deon yelled as something large and square hit his head, coming from nowhere.

"Oh quit it, Deon, it's just plastic," Nat said. Then she gasped. _Plastic_? She rushed towards him to pick up the offending item. "The Best of LeAnn Rimes… oh my gosh, this is Kathy's CD!"

"Who's Kathy?" Deon asked, rubbing his head. "If I ever see her, I'm going to give her a piece of my mind. Who throws things at people? What's that anyway? Where did it come from?"

Nat pushed Deon aside, and strained to listen. Yes, there it was. That shimmering sound. "The portal's open! The portal that leads to Earth! That leads to my best friend's home!"

Deon stopped his grumbling. "Oh… oh… erm… that's good… so… are you going now?"

Nat frowned, looking at the rock. She seemed to be having a hard time deciding.

* * *

"You know, if you didn't want to go, you could always stay…" Patrick suggested. "I don't think Kathy would mind."

TWG looked at the wall again. "Middle-earth is home," he said. "And we wants to go home." He looked back at Patrick, and for the first time, smiled at him. He stuck out his hand, and Patrick took it cautiously. They shook. "Tell Kathy Sméagol says bye." Then he charged at the wall, and was gone.

* * *

"AHHHH!" Deon yelled again, jumping back as something came leaping out of the rock at him.

"AHHHH!" yelled the something.

"AHHHH!" yelled Nat. "It's Sméagol!"

Sméagol looked up. "It's Nat!" He grinned and waved at her, then noticed the CD in her hands. "Sméagol needs to take this." He snatched The Best of LeAnn Rimes back, and threw it at the rock. It disappeared. "Okay."

Deon looked shocked to see Sméagol, but he turned to Nat again. "Well, I guess I have to say goodbye to you now."

Nat frowned at the rock once more, then made up her mind. She grinned at Deon. "I think I can afford to stay a little longer."

* * *

And I have finally finished the story! Thought it would be fun to have Nat stay in Middle-earth. And I don't know why the CD is The Best of LeAnn Rimes, I was just trying to think of a CD and I looked up and that was the first CD I saw on my computer table.


End file.
